Bibliosphere

 So, happy May! It's been a minute. Things got a bit hectic at work (still are) and some parts of my life had to take a step back. But I'm happy to report that I am officially the Event Chair for the Salt Lake City CureSearch board, and I've got two planned events coming up! The Community Hike is coming fast on June 6. We'll be hiking a 2 mile trail in North Salt Lake and it's sure to be plenty of fun. Currently, we are soliciting donations, recruiting teams and hikers, and preparing for our area's first community hike. If you're so inclined, you can check out my page here (and perhaps make a donation).  We also have the date picked for the walk, in September, and are hoping to make it bigger and better! Stay tuned for more updates.

 So this fall I did decide to move ahead with the Community Board for CureSearch in my area. We're really getting into it here in the new year (some of which is my perspective having not attended a board meeting prior to January). Our first big event (outside of our walks & the Ultimate Hike) is a hockey game with the Utah Grizzlies! We're taking to the ice on February 22 and we not only are able to provide several families with free tickets, but we're also raising money for CureSearch! If you're in SLC area, and want to attend a hockey game while supporting a good cause, join us February 22 in section 117, purchasing tickets here or at the QR code below. Not only is it a discount, but 20% of proceeds will go to CureSearch as well!

 The other day I finally organized my yarn. I finally took this mess, with my excited helper, and spun it into neat balls, sorted and packaged into bags, and carefully placed into my yarn box. I'm sure I could say lots of deep things here, about how I sorted my mind like my yarn, but I'll leave that for your imagination.

 Guess what! My role with CureSearch has officially started and we held our first event recently! We went to a holiday market (hosted by the French community, a surprise to me) and I was able to share about our different projects and opportunities with CureSearch. I'm excited to see where this takes me next!

  It seems odd that four years have passed again, since I last checked to see if my vote had been counted. When it's a local or state election, I hope for the best, but presidential? Even though I know which way my state will go, I vote, for every race, even pulling up the judge reviews to carefully select who I wish to retain. If you are eligible, if you can, please do vote. While the deadline has passed to register in some states, many allow same-day registration, like Utah. Learn more from Vote.org .

I 100% meant to publish this October 1, but I was waiting for big news. I have that, I just can't share it quite yet. But suffice to say, it's going to be different. It's going to be ok, but it's going to be different.  I'm looking at a lot of changes. Some of them at work are coming into a more supervisory position, potentially more hours, and potentially changing a lot of processes. Now, work isn't the only area where there's changes. My home life is also going through changes, both related to and unrelated to work. Mostly I'm tired at this point. I'm trying my best, trying very hard, and there's a lot going on. As I juggle all of this, I'm unsure what the future will bring for many areas of my life.

Though extravagant, I subscribed to a produce box this August. I was convinced at a farmer's market stall, and I was skeptical. But, in all honesty, picking out fun and funky veggies has been an amazing source of joy these past couple of months. I've received 3 boxes so far. All have had something delightful. I couldn't even tell you my favorite veggie or fruit I've tried. Candystripe figs were a treat for someone who really only eats dried figs. Delicata squash has been on my "to try" list for ages (thanks cooking shows).  I'm very excited for these next couple of weeks too! I'm trying a whole bunch of things: burdock root, brown beech mushrooms, and honeynut squash. I also have ordered some tiny white turnips, some very interesting looking kiwi berries, and a few other goodies.   

 The CureSearch walk was a good experience this year. I raised $250 from friends and family, and I did get a t-shirt (which, I may add, is pretty cute). The walk was smaller than what it was, but it was still a good showing. I always like seeing the nurses from the children's hospital there, showing their support. While the walk didn't raise as much as they wanted, I think it was still a good thing.

 I never know the right way to start a post. Hello? No intro, just go? Greetings to the 4 consistent readers that I'm probably mostly related to? Anyway, I'm here. I don't know if I'm back, but I'm here right now. My summer has been probably the toughest I've ever had. And that includes both 2020 and the summer I was camp director, both exceedingly difficult summers. But I truly think this one was worse. Everything has been a mess, personally, professionally, health... ally? I don't want to get into specifics for a number of reasons, but I'm going to be picking up pieces of my life for a while still. I've got a very difficult decision to make soon. Difficult indeed. And I'm hopeful for the future, but I'm not looking forward to pulling the trigger on this decision, because there are things that I will have to pay for in any way I go. And also because of a great deal of uncertainty surrounding it. In picking up my life again, I am trying some ...

 This is going to be an emotional post. I am processing something I don't even want to tell my friends and family (so if you're reading this, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but please do tell me when you read this). This week, I didn't get an answer I wanted. After about 6 wonderful months of relief from a decade of anxiety and depression, things got worse again. Around last September, things got worse. Upon reflection, what really started it, what my first and only infection with covid-19. Since then, I've struggled with what I've come to know are many of the symptoms of long covid. I didn't think this at first. First, I assumed I was tired, that my mental illness had come back, that I wasn't caring for myself properly and it was my fault. Then it was work stress that I blamed, the things I was asked to do, and the hours that I worked. I said, this will get better, if I can force myself to do all the right things. Well, I've been doing all the rig...

 So, as the title says, I have been going on walks when it's 95 degrees out. Yes, 95. We had a couple of heat waves here, reaching record breaking 106 F. But, except for the very hottest of days, I have still been going on my walks, for the most part.  I have had a rough go this spring and summer due to a medication change and further issues with that. My life has been unbalanced, but I'm working on getting it back in shape. I do a lot of goal setting, managing a lot of the care items that people can just do, on their own, without a bunch of reminders. Or maybe things they don't even need, but I do.  I have a great support system, I really do. My friends are wonderful, continuing to invite me out when I've said no, texting encouragement. I love them all. I'm doing my best and it's going to get better. In other news, I spend a lot of time reading, surfing the internet, and, of course, working. I am running my first bilingual council program (an overnight, no less...

 A while ago, I started making niche memes for my camp blog. I haven't in a while, but recently I was inspired to make some for the HOA.  I think I'm funny.

 I feel like this has been said many times, but as someone who has struggled with mental illness for years, it's so important to have things to do with your hands, things that are not online. I know that the internet and technology are safe spaces for many of us, places you have a home in. I'm not denying that.  But, if you are struggling, I am gently suggesting... hobbies. I love my hobbies, but sometimes put them down and forget to pick them back up. But recently I've been trying to pick them up again. I am big on visual art, but I also knit, sew, and garden. I will go to the library for craft night, and have made many a creation, just like I did for hours in my bedroom as a tween.  Mental health is complex, and it's hard to get into hobbies, especially with perhaps some shame of having put them down (I have struggled with this). But they're so worth it. And you're worth it too.

 While I often hide what I'm going through, I struggle with a number of chronic conditions that impact my daily life. They are disabilities, hidden ones, but disabilities all the same. I think a lot of people don't realize that there are many more of us with hidden disabilities then we let on. In fact, disabled people are the largest minority in the US.  So I want to remind y'all that July is Disability Pride Month. I find it difficult sometimes, accepting myself and my limits, and especially having pride in being myself. But I'm working on it. So this Disability Pride Month, take a moment to think about your views on disabilities, as well as what you can do to increase accessibility.

 One of my goals for this year, was to make a creative project at least once a month. Yes, that's how low the bar was, based on my past couple of years. Any kind of creative act counted, writing a poem, drawing, crafting, anything. But I had to make it. After several months of feeling better with the act of creating, I decided it should be once a week, and now it's twice a week. I know this is a stretch for me, but I think it will be worth it. Right now, I'm really into visual journaling, getting out emotions and feelings through art and written word. I use my giant 18x24 sketch pad, purchased on a whim years ago. But it works. Oh does it work. It's less drawing for the most part, but it's nice to express myself through it. I'm also working to get back into French horn. I have already let me neighbor know. It's going to be a much longer road on that.

 After a 9 year hiatus, I am pleased to announce that the Rhabdo Warriors are back at it for the 2024 Salt Lake CureSearch Walk. I am excited to slowly get back into the community, in ways that make sense for me. While volunteering for other CureSearch programs didn't work out, I am excited for the walk and for making my team. I've even roped in a friend! If you would like to donate to my walk profile, click here . Any donation is helpful! Together, we can end childhood cancer.

 So I just went camping last weekend and I usually camp with my mom or alone. But this time I went with a friend. It wasn't perfect, but it was still nice to have gone. We made s'mores, enjoyed a traditional snack of beef jerky sticks and cheese, and made it through a 43 degree night. Yeah, in June. That's the mountains for you. But overall, I'm really glad that we went. 

 I want a sign on my door at work that reads: "I'm trying my best, please be gentle with me." I want people to know that, even though my best no longer looks like it once did, it's still my best, and the best that I can do right now. Because I am suffering some of the worst symptoms of burnout I ever have. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, and my executive function is trashed. I actually tossed out the idea of autistic burnout about a month ago, to my therapist. She said that it sounded plausible, or we agreed that it did. Autistic burnout is different though, from my burnout now, although honestly it's probably a combination at this point.  My brain does not work like other brains. All of my mental health conditions, my neurodiversity, make extra challenges in my work and life. The extra stress is extremely difficult, and I struggle with it on a daily basis. But it's invisible. I show up to work (most days) and I make an effort. I am accomplishing a...

 The other day, we had a staff work day at the camp I used to work at. I love that camp so much. It was a lot of work, but we did a lot. I was actually a team lead for this, supervising five of my coworkers to clean the basement of our lodge. We worked slower than we really anticipated, but that area looked so good. I am always feeling anxious that I'm not doing a good job, that I'm being awkward, that everyone is annoyed/upset with me. It's something I've lived with pretty much forever. But, at the end of the day, the HR director asked me to come over and told me that I had been a great leader that day.

 I recently listed to a book of poetry as an audiobook, read by the author. It was one of my favorite authors, and one of my favorite poems was included.  Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean— the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down— who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Ma...